Fasting and meditating for 100 days. Part 9 (days 67-79)
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This is a continuation of the log of an Englishman who became a Buddist priest in Japan. As part of his initiation process he fasted on a mountainside for 100 days.
Day 67. Saturday 6th December
Crisp cold day. Good night's rest. Gyo continues.
Day 68. Sunday 7th December
Raining hard but not cold. Gyo continues.
Day 69. Monday 8th December
Cool, misty and damp. Gyo continues. Stomach and abdomen pains today.
Day 70. Tuesday 9th December
Ah Je Kan day 19. Cold, wet and raining. Clothing all damp and mildewy. Had a visit from a cat, which was nice. I was surprised to discover how lonely I feel!
Day 71. Wednesday 10th December
Ah Je Kan day 20. Remains cold and wet. Heavy rain. Finish 12 o'clock tomorrow!
Day 72. Thursday 11th December
Ah Je Kan day 21. Finished at 1200 hours. Great!! Spoke to Helma and heard all the news. Jean is quite sick and is having an operation on December 17th. This means that they cannot come to Japan, very sad.
Day 73. Friday 12th December
It feels very strange to be back on the Kay Gyo routine, almost like being on holiday. Minus two today. I hope to do BBC video on Ah Je Kan. I feel very sad about Jean. I feel she thinks she is going to die. The doctors have said she has bowel cancer, but the operation will tell them more. I am hopeful.
Day 74. Saturday 13th December
Very clear, cold day, spent time cleaning mould from dojo. Went to public baths. Bad headache after completing proper BBC video of Ah Je Kan. Zero degrees today. Wall painting.
Day 75. Sunday 14th December
Beautiful cold, clear day. Happy to be alive!! But feeling very odd, something seems wrong with me. Starting to understand more of the issues of Ah Je Kan. Something happened. I cannot find words to describe it - I think I died, I need time to understand the teachings of this. I'm ecstatic and confused at the same moment. What is reality? If I'm reborn to another consciousness, what a shock, what an honour.
Day 76. Monday 15th December
Cold, clear. Painting stick. Not a great day at the temple, many problems. Sensei not back yet. I need to talk to him. My feeling of being in the cosmos and seeing the reality of this world is all illusion, so have I lost it? Why do humans limit themselves to the mundane when they can achieve the mysteries of the universe? Why do I see all the suffering of humanity and feel as though I am breaking apart with the sorrow and love at the same moment? We are all linked to each other in this human experience. Where I have been others can go, but would they want to? Do they need to?
Day 77. Tuesday 16th December
Cold and wet. I hope to have a talk with Sensei today. Let's see - well, I have finally come to the conclusion that my Sensei has lost it completely. There is some sort of hidden agenda. The goalposts have moved again. First it was that to become a head priest you had to do 100 days, then it turned out that I had to do the Ah Je Kan Gyo, and now it appears that I have to do a really crazy Gyo for ten days after the close of the 100 days. This Gyo comprises meditating on sound, with no sleep, no food and no warm clothing. The temperature is already down to minus 2°C. I cannot believe it. Anyway, I must do my best. Sensei has arranged the Gyo so that when my deshi and priests come out to Japan he will take them round while I am doing this stupid and dangerous Gyo! Sensei has changed the programme to suit himself. Still, they will see something of Japan.
Things are becoming very hard now and, I believe, not safe. I am changing my mental approach back to that of a soldier; my Sensei is now my enemy and there is nothing like a good bit of anger and hate to keep you warm. I will not allow this man to break me. I can do this Gyo, with the help of Kukai and Buddha. How strange are these conflicting emotions that hold the same time and space like a kaleidoscope, ever changing as thoughts enters the pools of consciousness. My mindset is something akin to a mirror of illusion that has been shattered, with each tiny fragment giving a different reflection. I fear that perhaps I cannot re-assemble all these pieces. Where is my matrix of sanity? Have I gone mad? Or have I become sane? The silent scream is echoing across the universe as the new me struggles even to hold on to the understandings I have been given. I feel so omnipotent, so wise, so weak, so foolish. I know all, I know nothing. Who am I now? What do I know? The pictures, the voices, people's thoughts - how to turn them off?
Physically, things are not too good now. I have a constant cramping colic pain in my lower bowel area. I cannot eat anything much so I have clear soup, but this contains salt and hurts my stomach. Bowels not open. But this is the human side of food; the energy to sustain myself beyond the physical is readily available to me but the physical side can also utilise it. Why be given this knowledge and be unable to use it? What am I missing?
Day 78. Wednesday 17th December
Raining, cold day. I am feeling a little miserable at the moment. I still have to adjust to the new planning. It's quite a shock for me but I will do my best. Je Ko has her operation today, my thoughts and prayers are with her, it is written that she will move into her passing soon. I feel a strange sense of loss. Is this attachment my need, for she has become such a friend?
Day 79. Thursday 18th December
Cold day. Called Je Ka. Je Ko awoke after the operation and is OK. But they cannot remove all of the cancer, which is very sad. Temple energy not good. Problems with Sensei persist, now I am not allowed to talk with other deshi. Things are becoming quite dangerous now, I feel! I spend a lot of time out of my body as I see the situation so clearly that way, including the people and their motivations. I feel so old, millions of years old. How can I ever tell of these feelings and insights? The old life is like an old room, no longer comfortable, no longer sustaining. The new consciousness is unknown, where will it lead? What will it bring about?
© J K Adler-Collins 2008
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It's not me, but it is someone I know. I proofread his masters and PhD theses and other papers he has written (he suffers from a form of dyslexia and had only a rudimentary education), and I suggested to him that his life story would be worth publishing. I have therefore been editing the story for some time, and, with his permission, been presenting it on Hubpages with a view to gauging the reaction. I have already issued "A Troubled Childhood" in 7 parts and "Life as an Army Nurse" in 14 parts. These chapters, especially the latter, are very different in character to this one, although there is a constant theme running through them.
He has done many things in his life, and continues to make a real difference to the people whose lives he touches. He is now working as a professor at a Japanese university where he is applying his theories to create a new kind of "healing nurse" in mental health. I hope to start a new series of hubs to cover this aspect once the "100 day fast" series is complete.
There are still gaps in the story, and I hope that he will fill some of them fairly soon so that everyone can read it in a complete form.
Yes, you are right about the mood swings. That was partly down to the effect of going without proper food for such a long time. By presenting his log virtually as he wrote it, day by day, these insights come across most forcefully, in my opinion - and yours, it would appear!
Fascinating blog!
100 days is something else!
I fasted for 7 days on juices once and that was enough at the time.
I think it depends what one's motives are.
I will be interested in your new blog as i am a mental health nurse and am interested in healing
CJStone Level 5 Commenter 3 years ago
I'm intrigued by this. Who is this guy? Is it you, or someone you know? The story is fascinating, and gives real insight the substance and nature of the mind. He seems to shift between paranoia and exaltation in a moment. It has magnificent scope this story. I can imagine it being written up more fully. This is too sketchy and leaves more questions than it answers. But thanks for putting it up.